in a nutshell: When a vital component of seaQuest's air conditioning fails and regular channels get them nowhere, Krieg relies on a black market source called The Regulator. When Darwin disappears seaQuest must track down the renegade, who is seeking the centre of the universe.

The episode opens on Ford, Hitchcock and a Random Extra Tech on display in tank tops and sweat, straining to get a pipe out of the ceiling and complaining about the heat. Surely not gratuitous displays of skin in season one? "Who designed this thing?" Hitchcock complains, only for the captain – fully clothed and not looking hot at all – to pop up behind her. "I did, Commander," is his mild rebuke. Watch her back-pedal at speed and fluster. It appears that a vital component of the air conditioning system has burnt out, thus causing the extreme temperatures they are all suffering under. But unfortunately they have no replacements for this 'thermal chip'; they have been back-ordered for months. Since the crew can't possibly live in such conditions, Bridger orders that particular deck to be shut down; the crew quartered there will have to double bunk with the rest.

Security Chief Crocker displays his security-chief-ness as he brings a little military spit and polish to the evacuation, and it turns out the crew are actually triple-bunking, not double-bunking, as each host is given two evacuees. Is it only officers who get single rooms? Do enlisted sailors have to share anyway and so only take in one evacuee per room? I'm curious to know how it works. O'Neill, very cutely poking his head around the door with toothbrush in mouth and towel around his neck, takes his two with resigned good grace. Krieg's quarters are dead opposite, and he attempts to sweet talk and bluster his way out of taking in any strays, using the supplies kept in his quarters as an excuse. Why does Krieg have to sleep in the supply cupboard anyway? Shouldn't all supplies be kept in a secure area, under lock and key, and Krieg just have a normal room like everyone else? Or is it space-saving to make him share his room with supplies? Anyway, Crocker is having none of it, simply handing over his two top security officers as the supply officer's new roommates. Krieg takes one look at these hulks of muscle, and stops protesting.

Roll credits.

Krieg's new roommates are driving him mad – and I can't say I'm surprised. One is meditating with a very loud and irritating, drawn-out 'ommmmmmmm.' The other is doing non-stop press-ups and clapping in between. Krieg is trying to sleep, but can't with the noise. When he, very reasonably, asks them to keep the noise down, they are insolent and intimidating towards him, despite him being a superior officer. Should junior offices be allowed to intimidate their superiors like this? What a shame these two guys are so two-dimensional: they really are nothing more than great Hulks of Muscle, with no redeeming characteristics at all.

Anyway, Krieg has had enough, and heads off to see Bridger. He finds the captain is on hold with UEO Requisitions, and it is one of the funniest scenes ever. The petty officiousness of these paper-pushers is just perfect, and anyone who has ever been kept on hold while trying to make a serious official call will understand the frustration. The flunky they finally get hold of is also wonderful, his vid-com at totally the wrong height to allow callers to see him, which Bridger complains about. "This is my face," says the little chap, bending down at an awkward angle. "Forgive me for not keeping it here. I can't sit all day like this, and they won't adjust my vid-com." He is fantastically obstructive, and they get nowhere with either him or his superior, who doesn't see an air-conditioning component as all that vital. Why can't the crew sleep on deck? On a submarine? Bridger protests. "Well, there's a lesson in that," the Flunky Manager smirks, and signs off. I've had many a call that went much the same way, usually when trying to persuade an engineer to come and fix the photocopier in work, only by telephone instead of vid-com.

Desperate to get rid of his unwanted roommates, Krieg suggests trying unofficial channels, and brings up a black-market salvager known as The Regulator. Bridger turns this suggestion down flat. The Regulator is a thief and not to be trusted. But he quickly changes his mind when he pops across the corridor to his own quarters, where his own unwanted roommate – Lucas – is making himself right at home, playing air guitar to heavy thrash music. So even the captain had to pitch in for the crisis. Krieg, after remarking on the cute father-son angle of the situation, has to go-ahead to acquire the chip by any means, as long as the captain doesn't know about it. And it turns out that Lucas's little act was just that, an act – set up by Krieg. The co-conspirators smirk.

So, partners-in-crime Krieg and Lucas put in a call to The Regulator, and the viewer quickly cottons on to the fact that this chap is decidedly unsavoury. He lives in an isolated lair crammed with salvaged equipment, with a parrot and an orang-utan called Verne. Verne? That's almost as bad as Darwin. The Regulator drives a hard bargain, charging 500 UEO credits and 200 lbs of bananas (or however much they have) for a thermal chip Bridger has already told us costs 50 cents. But it is a seller's market, and the deal is struck. I wonder exactly how much 500 UEO credits are worth. What kind of currency is that? Is it the sole currency of all member states? Or does it co-exist with their native currencies? Interesting.

And so, the Regulator arrives on seaQuest, with Verne in tow. I was amused by the automatic greeting playing as he boards, which is presumably standard. "All visitors please report to UEO Customs with their inoculation papers." They have a UEO customs department on board? Wow. Krieg, Crocker and Hitchcock are all there to greet him. How many people know about this shady little escapade anyway? Is it okay for the entire crew to be in on the deal as long as the captain doesn't 'know'? Krieg hands over the 500 UEO credits in an envelope. Where did he get this from? SeaQuest's official budget? How did he swing that? And why would they have that much cash aboard? I thought this was a paperless culture. They also hand over every banana they have aboard, over 160lbs. How did they keep that lot fresh? Do they have special storage techniques to keep fruit fresh aboard ship? How long can The Regulator make them last before they go bad? I'm intrigued. This episode raises so many questions.

The Regulator then refuses to hand over the thermal chip, asking instead for a tour of the boat. Crocker steps in at this point, refusing point blank and doing his full security-chief routine. Krieg looks anxious throughout this exchange, clearly worried that the deal will fall through and get him into trouble. And then it does all fall apart when Verne takes off down a corridor. They all take off after him, including The Regulator, who now gets the 'tour' he was looking for, only of the unofficial variety. Surely Crocker should have made sure he was kept in the launch bay while they searched for the ape, instead of taking him with them.

Anyway, Crocker, Krieg, Hitchcock and The Regulator all chase Verne through the ship. Along the way, they run into a Random Extra Ensign, who is perplexed by The Regulator. Crocker asks him if he's seen anything unusual, and the poor lad's perplexed look becomes one of worry. "Is that a trick question, sir?" he asks, still staring at The Regulator. LOL. Meanwhile, down on the sea deck, Lucas and Westphalen are working with Darwin, trying to restore the vocoder's database, which apparently has suffered badly from the heat. Eh? I thought only part of the ship was affected, and it clearly isn't this part. So why was the vocoder's database in that part of the ship? Did Lucas have it in his room? Is it not part of the ship's main computer? Are any other, more vital, computer systems affected? Anyway, Darwin is not being terribly cooperative, as he is in a playful mood, and Lucas is frustrated at having to redo all this work. Just then the search team pops in, and Lucas is awestruck at The Regulator, hero-worshipping him on sight just for his sheer eccentricity. Westphalen notes this with a roll of her eyes, shooing him away with a word of caution that this is a restricted area and that he should not tell anyone about what he has seen. The Regulator is fascinated by the 'talking dolphin', chiding that they shouldn't keep animals captive, which goads Lucas into letting slip that Darwin is allowed out to feed, before The Regulator is hurried away.

Elsewhere, Bridger exits a mag-lev and is mildly bemused to see Verne toddling in to it and taking off. He calls Crocker. "There's a monkey in the mag-lev." Crocker doesn't waste time with idle explanations, merely asking whether port or starboard. Great stuff. Verne quickly pops up on the sea deck, to Darwin's great excitement. Lucas is so surprised he falls off his stool, which is very funny. The search team is fast behind him, and The Regulator then produces a hand-held detonator to keep them all at bay. What was that all about? I was confused, as I could see no reason for this. Bridger then arrives, greets both The Regulator (Leslie Ferrina) and Verne by name, and Leslie promptly disarms. He also hands over not only the thermal chip, but also a gun he had pick-pocketed from a shame-faced Hitchcock.

Crocker escorts Leslie and Verne off the boat, and no sooner have they gone than he realises that his own distruptor gun has been swiped. He and a fellow security officer give chase, and I was very interested to see how that worked – they were able to just hop into a launch each and take straight off, with a Random Launch Bay Flunky simply calling up to the bridge to say what they were doing. "Security Chief Crocker in pursuit of civilian vehicle." Interesting. Bridger calls them off, pointing out that they would burn more fuel than the cost of replacing the gun, and that this is the price of doing business with The Regulator. Ah, budgets and cost-cutting. So familiar, and such valid concerns. And such an air of realism.

Life aboard seaQuest gets back to normal, with all crew able to return to their own quarters. Bridger has noted how impressed Lucas was with Leslie, and so calls together all interested parties for a little lesson. Lucas, Krieg, Crocker, Hitchcock and Westphalen all assemble in the captain's quarters – Bridger wonderfully untroubled about holding this briefing wearing only a bathrobe – and the Professor hologram first seen in the pilot, To Be Or Not To Be, is activated to deliver a lecture on the history of Leslie Ferrina. A nice device for telling the audience what they need to know, that can't be fitted into more casual conversation. Deus ex Machina, hey. It appears that Leslie Ferrina was a Lucas-style boy genius, graduating at just 17 (Lucas, a graduate at 16, is already ahead of him). But his was a twisted genius, experimenting on animals in an attempt to develop artificial gills that would allow mammals to breathe water, before his growing obsession with 'spherical evolution' finally got him laughed out of the scientific community. He faked his own death in 2003 and disappeared completely. Bridger knew he was still alive because he ran into him six years previously in a grocery store in Dominica. As you do. He had developed this new persona, The Regulator, and since this encounter occurred during Bridger's own period of disaffection, he never told anyone. This ties in nicely with what we learned of Bridger's past in To Be Or Not To Be. Lucas is not convinced by Bridger's clear scepticism for Leslie's theories and habits, still entranced by the 'glamour' of The Regulator's eccentricities and shady lifestyle.

Meanwhile, The Regulator and Verne lie in wait. Sure enough, Darwin comes out to feed, and they ensnare him.

Aboard seaQuest, we get another brief glimpse of daily life, as Westphalen and Bridger are quietly working together on some science project on sea deck when a deputation composed of Lucas, Crocker and Ortiz comes to see them. Darwin has disappeared; he hasn't been seen for 12 hours, since the second shift let him out to feed. Various possibilities are discussed, including sharks, but Ortiz would have spotted anything like that with WSKRs. There is a fishing fleet near, but they claim to be safe-netting. I mention this because the dangers of fishing to dolphins is such a big concern today, and it is interesting to see it raised here as an equally valid concern – a reminder that this show isn't set that far in the future. Bridger tells them to keep calling and dismisses them, but Lucas remains, full of teenage belligerence and resentment, and angry with the captain for continuing to work and not do something. Bridger remains mild in the face of this outburst, while Westphalen – typically of her – tries to distract the boy with a science experiment. They are looking into using natural sponges as a second filtration system to keep the moon pool clean for Darwin. Which is fine, except that they don't have Darwin anymore, Lucas protests. Bridger promptly hauls him off to put in a call to the Regulator.

I think that it was Westphalen's explanation of the sponge experiment that made Bridger think of Leslie, but that part was vague. I don't think he would have dismissed all their concerns earlier if he had suspected Leslie at that stage, so I have to assume he only thought of it later. Either way, he takes Lucas off to the wardroom and gets 'Leslie's phone number' off Krieg to put in a call to the Regulator, demanding his dolphin back. Lucas protests that there is no way The Regulator would steal Darwin, not after all he said about keeping animals captive, not when he takes such good care of Verne. "It's the least he owes Verne," says a grim Bridger, cryptically, pointing out that Lucas doesn't know Leslie well enough to make that kind of judgement. The Regulator denies all knowledge, so Bridger calls O'Neill, telling him and Ortiz to analyse the brief conversation for Darwin's clicks.

To my amusement, perfectionist O'Neill tells the captain it's no good. There isn't enough data to tell if it's Darwin. If what's Darwin? The dolphin on the recording, of course … LOL. That was all Bridger actually wanted to know: that Leslie had a dolphin in his lair. So funny that instead of getting that, O'Neill wants to try for an exact Darwin-match. Off they go to the rescue.

Leslie, meanwhile, is having a highly frustrating time, trying desperately to communicate with Darwin, believing that dolphins are the highest form of evolution and must therefore hold the key to solving spherical evolution and finding the centre of the universe. He talks a lot of rubbish, but the actor is excellent: he makes it look like he really believes this junk. But of course, Darwin can't communicate with him without the vocoder, but Leslie doesn't know that. He believes the dolphin can really speak English.

Bridger, Lucas and Crocker head for Leslie's Lair with a couple of Security Officers in tow – it is the same two that Krieg had bunking down with him earlier in the show, those two Hulks of Muscle that Crocker claimed were his best men. En route, Bridger has a man-to-boy chat with Lucas, who is extremely grumpy and rude with it, the resentment that has been simmering away all episode coming close to the boil. It seems the pressure of being stuck aboard a submarine at 16, surrounded by adults, is getting a bit much: hence the attitude. You've got to admire the way Bridger deals with Lucas here, not getting angry at the insolence, accepting that he can't treat Lucas the way he would one of his crewmen who spoke to him that way and presumably would not be allowed to get away with it. So he goes down the parental route, responding mildly but firmly. He points out that there are two sides to Lucas. Part of him is a normal 16 year old boy who wants to do normal teenage things and is understandably frustrated with his situation, having no one his own age around and no normal teenage things to do. That is the part of him that hangs out with Krieg and Ortiz. Excuse me? Since when does Lucas hang out with Ortiz? Krieg, yes. We've seen that on numerous occasions, including earlier in this episode. But Ortiz? No, we've never seen that. Except in Treasures of the Tonga Trench, a little, and that only by default. But I digress.

Bridger continues that there is another side to Lucas, the more imaginative side, and that is the part of him that hangs out with Westphalen. I have to wonder if Krieg or especially Ortiz might be offended at not being considered 'intellectual' company? Krieg may not be a science buff, but Ortiz does lean in that direction. Anyway, Bridger points out that to many people that is the side of Lucas that is hard to deal with, that in the wrong circumstances can be labelled as 'difficult behaviour' – the reason his father dumped him on the boat. How nice it is to finally have this issue addressed, if only slightly – the fact that we were told in the pilot that Lucas's father put him on the boat to get 'discipline', presumably because of behavioural problems. We've seen very little sign of such behavioural issues, but possibly because he has always been kept busy. Now, though, these problems are starting to show. After all, at 16 he is, as he said, surrounded by adults – and those all adults with jobs to do. Not only is Lucas a child among adults, he is an extremely intelligent youngster with no real function. There has been no indication that he has any formal schedule to keep to, so presumably he has to amuse himself by getting involved with whatever computer work or scientific experiment he can, or that he finds interesting (such as designing and refining Darwin's vocoder). They are probably very lucky that he hasn't imploded in some way before now. Bridger's final point is to say that Lucas's father put him on seaQuest so that he wouldn't end up a 'weird genius' like Leslie, unable to function on a social level: being on seaQuest does instil discipline in him, because it forces him to interact with people who have no choice but to get along and work together.

Arriving at Leslie's Lair, the intrepid gang all don ear-plugs, without explaining why. Verne opens the door for them on hearing Bridger promise bananas. Amusing. And an outright lie, as they have no more bananas to give. And there, of course, is Darwin. Lucas is horrified that Leslie could have stolen his dolphin, the rose-tinted glasses falling off as he starts to see this 'idol' for what he really is. There is a bit of a tense stand-off, as Leslie expounds his crackpot theory of spherical evolution and why he believes Darwin has the answer, and can't understand why the dolphin can't talk, since he heard him speak on the ship. Bridger rather callously doesn't explain the reason, that a computer programme translates the dolphin's clicks, instead allowing Leslie to stew in his confusion. Then one of the Hulks of Muscle proves his worth by diverting Leslie's aim just as he pulls the trigger on the disruptor gun he stole from Crocker. It goes off, firing not bullets or some other kind of charge, but a sonic blast that affects Leslie and none of the others, as they all have their ear plugs in. How nice that they respected the intelligence of the audience enough not to explain this in advance. Leslie is apprehended and disarmed, while Lucas goes to check on Verne – and is horrified to see that Leslie has experimented on his beloved ape, giving him artificial gills. As Darwin is released to swim back to seaQuest, Lucas takes pity on the defeated Leslie, and asks Bridger to explain about Darwin.

So Leslie is taken back to seaQuest to talk to Darwin, the vocoder programme explained in full – I can only presume that he was sworn to secrecy, as this is meant to be a highly classified experiment. Of course, it gets less secret as the series goes on. Leslie tries desperately to make Darwin understand his question, about finding the centre of the universe. And then there is a cheesy ending, as Darwin tells them yes, he does know where the centre of the universe is. "In you."

The end.


That was actually a pretty good episode. The story had depth and was pretty revealing. It showed us a lot about the way the boat works, and the way the characters aboard interact. We saw quite a bit of how Krieg functions as supply officer, and Crocker in full security-chief mode, commanding his underlings, appraising visitors and giving chase to a thief. We saw a little of O'Neill and Ortiz working together on a technical problem – and what a perfectionist O'Neill is. And we saw something of the effect being stuck aboard a submarine on Lucas – some resentment of his situation was inevitable, but if this is the worst outburst they get, they can consider themselves lucky. Many a parent of troublesome teens would love having to deal with 'behavioural problems' this mild. Westphalen always wants to teach Lucas. We've seen this in Bad Water, and we saw it again here. And the Bridger-Lucas surrogate-father-surrogate-son thing is clear in this episode, even commented on out loud by Krieg. But it is almost inevitable – Bridger may not have signed on as a foster father, but by placing Lucas under his care, that is the position he is forced into. And he handles the boy extremely well.

Overall: thumbs up.

Jo, March 2004